By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
