Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
