So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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