Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
