She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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