I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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