Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
