The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
