Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
