Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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