I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
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I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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