I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So gin and wine won't be happening again
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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