Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
