I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
