At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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