Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
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I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
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I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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