I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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