I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
