I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
