I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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