I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
