Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
