So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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