if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
