I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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