well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
