I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
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Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
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Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill