He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music