he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
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Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
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If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza