just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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