Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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