I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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