did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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