I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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