My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
