I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
