70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
