this is something i pride myself on being below average for
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
