you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
