I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
