I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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