Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
