There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
