where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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