I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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