maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
