last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
