did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
