Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
