everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
