I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
