She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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