My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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