I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
