walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
